Why not?

For those who have not met me I have (as my husband nervously admitted when confused and pressed) a dominating personality. Before I was aware of this about myself I would use my various talents to get anything I wanted, no matter how false. I have been aware of this quality (both weakness and strength) for quite a few years now and if I am not vigilant it will twist my strengths back into well worn weakness. My mantras for at least a decade have reflected the various ways I have needed to give up control: "let go and let God", "Breathe", "Let God be God", "Mercy", "Relax (your jaw)", "Release (your shoulders)" "Be empty", "Be still", "Be quiet", "Listen". The latest incarnation reflects my new role as mother, "Why not?"

Our son is 10 months old and finally has the means to become the physical manifestation of scientific inquiry. I try to keep his "laboratory" safe and vaguely ordered. Generally I can figure out his why's. Mostly my criterion for letting him do or not do something revolves around "Why not?" The not's revolve around safety, maintaining functionality (mainly of electronics) and keeping treasured books out of reach. The do's keep our toy budget way down - small stiff h.s. senior photo albums, laminated maps, and a million other found "why not?" objects.

This question "Why not?" has extended into his care as well. Why not change his diaper standing or draped over my leg face down and let go of my idea of his once docile way of laying on his back until I was done? Why not nurse on the go in every conceivable position (as long as it's not painful for me) and let go of our pre-nap snuggles from two months ago?

Most of my earlier attempts at self change were self imposed and sporadic. The efforts doubled when I had to face the consequences of inauthentic living. Coupled with my struggle to let go is my reticence to accept change. Every parent tells you "It goes so fast". You could also say "Constant change has never been so visible!" Parenting has been a (mostly) welcomed forced confrontation of change and letting go. Several times a day I question how I live, why I do things, why I do them a certain way, and if doing/thinking it another way would be more practical/truthful.

My epiphanies are only new to me and hardly revealed in a vacuum. I will try to keep a running tab on my reading material etc in flies and minnows.